Waiting for it

Reality can be hard.

You wait for something for so long, wish it, dream it.

For nearly 40 years in my case.

Then it actually happens.

It’s euphoric, you feel amazing.

Until you don’t.

It’s Sunday 28th August, we’ve been back in Yorkshire 6 days and I feel shit.

I feel exhausted

I feel down

I feel overwhelmed

I feel stressed

I feel sad

And then I feel thoroughly pissed off.

Because I expected to feel, joyous, light, motivated, excited, inspired.

But I don’t.

It’s not unusual, I looked it up! At the moment it seems like the anticipation was better than the real thing.

I know that’s a load of rubbish. I know this is an amazing move and exactly what we want and need.

Just wish someone would tell my face!!

When you put so much energy into something, it’s inevitable the come down would be hard.

There is absolutely no regret, fear or worry. I know this is the right thing and I’m still over the bloody moon about it. I just want it to happen now.

This is a state of limbo, the time between getting your new life and waiting for it to happen.

We have 16 days until the big move and it’s not as though we’re here twiddling our thumbs.

We both work full time, we have a house to pack up & a couple of lovely social things in the diary.

There are still a number of admin logistics we need to sort, including testing the dog on a new medication to help her with the two-day journey.

Poor Kiki dog trembles in the car, we’ve tried various positions for her, the front (when I’m a passenger), back seat, one of those fabric holdall things & now have settled on a crate in the boot. I don’t know if she feels any more secure in the crate but she can’t wind herself up so much by trying to get to places she can’t reach when she’s harnessed up in the back.

That adds to the stress. The idea of the 6-8 hour drive on day one, followed by a shorter drive and 2 ferry journeys, including one where she’ll be kennelled the following day is really playing on my mind. I wish you could do talking therapy with dogs.

And so, in the 9 days since taking ownership of our life of dreams, I’ve had more than a few moments where I wish I could rewind 4 years when I was back in employment, living in York without a dog and both my parents were still here.

On reflection, I think that must be the hardest part…having chattered away to both Mum & Dad for eons about the small holding dream, it finally happens and they aren’t here to see it and enjoy it with me.

But still, I know it’ll be fabulous when we get there.

Originally written 28-Aug 2022, updated 24-Oct 2022.