Betrayal, knees and cold bottoms

Inside the mind of a dog

Hannah Swierstra

Feb 02, 2025

National Storytelling Week started yesterday and while it may be geared at children, I wanted to get involved.

Makes sense right?

But this is where I landed.

It makes less sense now!

Betrayal, knees and cold bottoms

Kiki’s guide to mornings: whine, lick a knee, judge your human’s life choices, nap, repeat. Bonus points for snack negotiations.

Is it morning?

I can’t tell, it’s still so dark but I’ve been locked in here forever. Time to get up and have a little stretch - ooft that’s it. Maybe I’ll just rest here for a minute, have a little ruffle, scratch my back…that’s it.

Ready.

I can’t hear anything, it’s awfully quiet, should I wake them up?

A little light whining can’t hurt, that way if she’s awake already she’ll know time to come and get me.

That’s not working, I’m going to have to turn it up a notch. If I move right to the door then she can hear me better.

Nothing. Should I bark? I should bark shouldn’t I? But last time I did that she came told me to shush and went away again. But it’s been ages.

Hold on, what’s that? Can I hear movement? That’s a door I’m sure, and another one. She’s nearly here!!

Time to really ramp it up, make her feel super guilty about locking me up all night.

Hello, hello hello.

I am SO HAAPY to see you, honestly next level.

Let me get on top of you.

Let me lick your knee.

That’s it, I own you now, you are mine.

Stroke me, that’s it, right in there behind the ear. Don’t stop, keep going, heaven.

Hold up where are you off to now?

Oh no, not the evil water spout room.

I cannot believe with all your so called evolution, you can’t pee outside, it’s such a basic skill. Have I taught you nothing? Squat and release, simple!

Right, if we have to be here, let me get up on your lap. Oooh knee, let’s give that another lick, just so you know who is boss.

Me.

Always me.

Time for tea? No, we’re going to the office. Weird. Oh no, even better, the bedroom.

YES!

I just need to get in there, scooch over, let me just snuggle in here.

This is good.

Don’t forget to stroke my neck, that’s it. Don’t stop, come on, a bit more, that’s it. That is it, oh this is heaven.

OK, that’s enough, get off, I said get off. It’s time for a nap.

Huh? what?

What’s going on, why are you moving?

No, it’s not time yet, I am so comfy I don’t want to get up, what do you mean off? Well, I know what you mean but why? These new sheets are soooo soft. I love the way the duvet cocoons me, it’s heaven. Don’t make me get up, you go, I’m staying.

No I do not need a pee.

Kiki! Outside! Garden!

I know I know.

OK, let’s do this, but on one condition, I get a treat when I get back in.

Oh blimey, I said ok and now you’re faffing. Seriously, why don’t you have an inbuilt coat like me and what are these weird things you put on your paws? Just go out with bare paws, I do.

You call me over here then take soooo long to get ready. I’ve got an itch, that’s it, ugh not quite. Sssh I’m busy, hold on. That’s it…better.

Woo hoo …..FREEDOM

Wait up, I can smell something.

Where are you going? I said I could smell something. In here, behind the door.

It’s mice, I need to check it out.

Please.

Ugh you’re so mean, fine I’m coming. I better get a bloody snack for this.

How about you try sitting on your bare bottom, it’s cold. I came why isn’t that enough?

Oooh snack thank you. I’ll have another thanks.

Where are you going with my snacks? Get back here, I said get back here.

I’m the boss remember. I am NOT moving, you come here.

Fine, but I expect another snack…